Manifesting Miracles

My progress on the path these past few weeks has been really encouraging. Like so many others, the Retrogrades have left me disorganized, forgetful and somewhat dazed, but with a lot of compassionate help I've been able to hold it together. I work at a prominent metaphysical center in NYC part-time as the coordinator of the monthly fairs, and the position has been challenging for me. Due to my struggles with depression, my identity as an empath and sensitive, and my lack of experience, I have been disorganized and incompetent as an employee. I constantly forget to return e-mails, complete tasks, and meet deadlines. My deficiencies have definitely been a source of frustration to my coworkers and supervisor, and it's left me with a deep reservoir of shame and pain that make it difficult even to be in the building sometimes. I've also been consumed with rage at times because of their

Still, as a priestess, witch and mystic, I take full responsibility for what has manifested in my life as regards the Center. While some employees have found it difficult to mask their judgment, and I have been told that I am often discussed behind my back, this should not faze me. At the end of the day, I know that I have not measured up, and my own incompetence is a completely separate issue from other people's immature behavior. Unfortunately, I have a history of incompetence. As someone who has struggled with a major "mental illness" for much of my life, I often had difficulty with the rudimentary vocational tasks of showing up on time, staying organized, and getting along with others. Even in high school, I was often the target of vicious bullying and found it difficult to handle my responsibilities, preferring to meditate, practice ritual, write, and make art. In my 20's, I lost most of the jobs I held because of my "instability."

A chronically-homeless "schizophrenic" since the age of 13, professional success has not been part of my experience. And yet I have succeeded at many things. I earned a college degree. I succeeded in teaching myself personal hygiene and housekeeping skills, skills nobody ever took the time to teach me. I lost 70 pounds twice. The constants in my life have been resourcefulness, discipline, and an ironclad will. In the past, despite the many obstacles I faced, I have to admit that I stood in my own way. Being young and ignorant, I chose to live a lie and deny my inner truth. This led to disaster, and I was often so preoccupied with men, my looks and my status that I was in no position to improve my life.

It wasn't until I stepped out on faith, shouldered my "cross," so to speak, and faced myself that clarity began to manifest. As I began to devour books on the dark arts, spirituality, witchcraft, and personal development, began an involved spiritual practice, and began to make changes in my life, I began to understand that the power to change everything about my reality - my "schizophrenia," my history of failure, and my depression - lay in my hands. I can't have everything I want, nor should I. But I can align myself with Divine will, manifest wonderful things for myself, and be truly grateful for what I do have.

Because of this, the failure that has characterized my life thus far is being transformed, both by my own efforts and by divine assistance. I understand now that failure is not an option, that, while it may take time to overcome obstacles, it is my responsibility to try. I see the guilt, shame, and pain that I feel over my failures as obstacles to my success. I see my "schizophrenia" not as an illness, but instead as a gift, an aptitude for channeling information that can serve me well instead of sabotaging me... if I only learn how to use it. I am not a mistake. I am a miracle. And if it is in alignment with Divine will, I can succeed and triumph.

It is not my position to judge my coworkers for their frustration and choice to channel that frustration into aggressive behavior. Instead, it is my responsibility to compensate for both their weakness and my own by developing organizational systems to keep track of my duties and remaining focused and positive. I have compassion for both the awkward position that my incompetence has placed my supervisor and coworkers in, and the tragedy of my situation as a single black woman struggling with depression and schizophrenia with almost no support. While my faith in myself may not lead to a victory in this situation, it very well may. Either way, I've got my own back, and I know that I will brush myself off and try again until I succeed. The Gods are giving me plenty of help. Things will be just fine.